Egg donation:

DISCUSSION WITH CHILDREN ABOUT
THEIR DONOR CONCEPTION

by Kris A. Probasco, ACSW, LSCSW
Adoption & Fertility Resources
Liberty, MO, and Overland Park, KS

Donor conception is a positive alternative family building choice for many who wish to initiate a family with children or for those who wish to add further children to their family. As practitioners, we need to recognize that the decision for donor conception is a major decision and, as with all major decisions in one's life, needs to have clarification of the life-long issues including the needs of the child created by this decision. Creation of a child with the use of donor conception is initially made by the decision process of the patients involved. The patients are deciding to become a family by an alternative method and to become parents of a child that will have identity and medical issues concerning this decision. Through the parents' joint decision for donor conceptions, identification of the family needs (including all members of the family) and a sense of peace with pride that they have made the best possible decision to bring children into the home, the parents will be emotionally prepared to handle the life-long issues of their family creation choice.

There are important ingredients in parent preparation in the telling process that one needs to look at during the decision-making time. The patients need to confront their own prejudice concerning family life and that there are many ways to bring children into the family. The living arrangement or who lives in the household is not as important as the family taking care of each other and establishing a sense of belonging and connection. The commitment to tell the child and the positive feelings connected to the information regarding the donor will provide the child with a sound emotional climate from the outset. As with all children, children brought to families by donor conception need to feel valued, accepted and be provided unconditional love. Commitment to tell will free the couple to begin their pediatric record accurately. It will also provide a relaxed emotional environment to take advantage of opportunities that children provide for explaining how they were brought into the family. It is wise for parents not to rush to tell but to take moments that children provide to give information about families and the importance of loving and belonging within a family. In adoption, professionals have spent a great deal of time and energy trying to determine the exact way to tell a child about his/her adoption. My belief is that the emphasis needs to be placed more on the acceptance of the total child, acceptance of the donor as a person and recognizing that donor conception is basically one family helping another family.

The following is a format of suggestions that parents can use to educate their children about their alternative family-building choices. There is no single rule about the age of telling. It needs to be geared to the individual child and his/her family, recognizing that the child's sophistication and capacity to understand varies from family to family and from culture to culture. A standard philosophy in adoption is that it is the parents' job to tell all that they know and the child-adult to understand. As in all educational processes, informing is not a one-time event. It is best that the parents not rush to tell, but view the telling as a building-block process.

EARLY YEARS: It is important that the parents teach their children about unconditional love. Statements freely made such as: "...we wanted you, we are so glad to be your parents, I am so proud that you are good at (playing ball, roller skating), you can depend on us, we're so glad that you are a girl/boy..."

Explanation of simple facts of reproduction is important during the early years; simple knowledge that to be born there is a joining of a woman's egg and a man's sperm and then the baby grows in a woman's body. An explanation to the child that there are many ways that families come together, families with lots of children, families with one child, single-parent families, adoptive families. For our family to get together, Mom and Dad needed to get medical help. Parents can proceed to tell their own story now -- it would depend on the child's development or perhaps they may decide to wait until the child is older.

Some signs that the child may be ready to start understanding their beginnings would be:

1) to recognize physical differences between their Mom and Dad;

2) to identify with the same-sex parent;

3) to start asking baby-making questions. Some children may be ready at a young age and some children much later. With parents' commitment to be open with a child, they will know when a child is ready for his/her own story and can take advantage of opportunities the child will provide in learning about the world around them.

MIDDLE YEARS: As with all children, more details about reproduction will be obtained. It is my belief that children need to be told about how they came into the family before adolescence. Adolescence is one's natural time for identity readjustment. It is important to have all the pieces of the puzzle for one's identity formation. At this time the story may go: there are some people who are not able to make a baby -- their sperm or egg doesn't work properly or the mother's body cannot carry a baby -- remember we told you that we got help from a doctor and this is what happened in order for you to be born. Again, simple at first; more details can be given later. Include in the story: "...you were born just like everyone else; Mom and Dad worked together in their decision to become your parents; the donor is a person who wanted to help us become your parents; we are glad we got medical help; and these are the people who know how you came to our family..."

LATER YEARS: The questions and information will be more detailed for both the child and parent. A clear understanding of reproduction is mandatory to process the concept of donor conception. Issues that need to be discussed:

1) Why did you choose this alternative to have children? The parents need to be prepared to share the pain and sadness of their infertility and the acceptance process of their decision.

2) Detailed information about how the conception occurred -- description of the third parties involved and their role as physician, counselor, the laboratory, the sperm bank, the legal and medical process of insemination, the surgery, etc., and your reaction to the pregnancy. This needs to be very personalized.

3) Children need to understand a variety of reasons why donors decide to assist families. Obviously, articles on donor attitudes will be extremely helpful or if you know a donor, have him/her explain why he/she decided to help a family. For known donors, the story may go: we asked Mom's sister to help us and she is very willing to talk to you about why she wanted to help us become your parents.

4) Explanation of genetic history and information that you have on the donor. The story may go like this: We think your donor must have artistic and musical talents because you have these qualities. We have very positive feelings about the donor who assisted us in becoming your parent. We are very pleased that he/she is connected to our family.

5) Recognize that feelings of confusion, sadness and pain are appropriate responses. Parents stating "...we have had the same feelings and you can count on us to understand."

6) Sharing this information with others may be difficult. Some people will not understand the personal decision to become involved in donor conception. Let us help you think through who you want to tell and what details would be appropriate to share. We want you to know that this is your story and we feel proud of the way you came to our family. We also want you to understand that if it is your wish to maintain privacy regarding your beginnings, you have our support for that choice.

In conclusion, the most important factor is for the parents to believe that they made the best possible decision about how to bring children into their family and they feel proud of the choice. Also, they need to understand that their children will have identity issues and questions because of their parents' choice, and they must be committed to helping their children in the development of a total sense of self.