Egg donation:

LETTING GO OF GENETIC TIES

M’lyn Butterfield RN, MS
Family Fertility Center
October 29, 2005

1. SHOCK AND SURPRISE

This moment occurs when we learn treatments are not working. Our FSH is too high, our sperm count is too low or the doctor says it is time to stop treatment and consider alternatives. Many of us are simply not ready to face the truth. Our dreams of having children the cheap and fun ways are snatched from us. Society has not prepared us to build our family any other way than the natural way. What is nature and what is nurture? We struggle in this stage of letting go of our dreams of becoming parents the way others seem to do without effort and expense.

2. ANGER

Many people feel rage at the loss of their fertility. It comes out as we realize the lack of control that occurs in the pursuit of children. Our bodies fail us. How can we look so young and have old gametes? People say things that hurt us. “When are you two going to have children?” “I am so jealous! You two are having so much fun. Always going on trips! No children tying you down.” “What do you mean, you can’t come to my baby shower?”

3. GUILT

Some blame themselves. Did WE do this to ourselves? We often blame ourselves. We married too late, had an abortion, had herpes, used birth control too long, were not pretty enough, handsome enough, the wrong religion, the wrong parents, the wrong career. The list goes on and on. Someone must pay for this and it is so seductive to blame ourselves.

4. GRIEF

Sadness emerges as we acknowledge our loss. Every month without a pregnancy we die a little bit. We mourn for our imagined genetically linked child. Curls like mom, shoulders like dad, grandma’s musical talent and grandpa’s woodworking skills. Going to the shopping mall at Christmas is grueling. Tears fall at commercials for Thanksgiving dinners for Safeway. Why does everybody around the table look the same? We feel rejected from a club that seems to include everyone but us.5. RESOLUTION

We begin this stage by feeling better about ourselves. We start making decisions and take control of the process of infertility. Many have to really explore childfree living. There are lots of books about parenting, but few to help us imagine living without being parents directly. This stage is an important one. We must visit the idea of giving to the next generation by teaching, volunteering or being aunts and uncles. It does help to consider living the rest of our lives childfree.

When we decide that we must be parents we begin to consider our options. We start really looking at adoption, egg or sperm donation. Sometimes having fun with someone else’s child we learn that we could love any child. We know the process of resolution means moving on. We have begun letting go of genetic ties.