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Older Parents Have Additional Joys and Concerns

By: T. Berry Brazelton and Joshua Sparrow
NEW YORK TIMES

Having a baby as an older parent is a wonderful happening. For some, it's an opportunity to recapture a younger time. For others, it's a chance to realize a dream that was in danger of slipping away.

Both the excitement and the vulnerability of impending parenthood are heightened for older mothers and fathers: 'Will I be too tired? Will I be flexible enough? Will I be able to keep up with his friends' parents?"

With these questions come practical concerns: "Can I give up my job,' or at least compromise it enough to parent her the way I want to? I've worked so hard to get where I am. I feel torn."

These feelings are more intense when this is the first child, when special efforts were required to have this child, or when this one is expected to be the last.

Parents also have to face the possible' danger to the fetus of being nurtured in an older mother's womb.

It is well known that the incidence of Down_ syndrome in babies significantly increases as mothers get older, which is why amniocentesis is recommended for pregnant women over 35.

Many health professionals feel it is critical for older pregnant women to be tested for genetic' disorders in the fetus - unless they plan to keep the baby no matter what the risk. (Even then, , preparation can be useful for parents, and for the new baby, who may require intervention at birth or before.)

Genetic testing, amniocentesis and ultrasound explorations stir up anxiety. "Will my baby be OK?" becomes a constant refrain in all mothers-to-be. An older mother today knows too much not to be worried even more because of her age.

If parents have waited to have the baby, or if they have had trouble conceiving, their vulnerability increases. In-vitro fertilization or implants of fertilized ova intensify the importance of this baby. The birth can take on an almost miraculous meaning. The danger is that the infant (and later, the child) may be treated as if he were in need of extra protection.
Parents who have waited or have striven against odds are almost bound to treat the child as if he were too precious. Too precious to be exposed to the normal stresses of growing up. Too precious to dare to take chances. Too precious to be disciplined. Too precious to be frustrated about each step in development.

The problem with not leaving the child to master the stress and frustration of achieving each developmental step by himself is that he will inevitably feel that he can't master them.

Discipline - and leariiihg' how to set his own limits - are critical to every child. An older parent must guard against the overprotection that can undermine self-esteem in their child. It's not easy.

At the same time, older parents bring enormous assets to parenting. They have often found .effective ways of handling the stress of their own lives and achieved an inner security. They tend to have a sense of assurance about themselves.

Older parents' poise and self assurance will provide a firm base for a child. Couples who come to parenting late are usually very "ready" to parent.

There is a risk, however, that an older parent may want to be a "perfect" parent and to raise a "perfect" child. Perfection in each case is a fantasy. When anything goes wrong, older parents need to pull back and examine the pressure on themselves, and on their child.

A child who presses himself to please a perfectionist parent is bound to be under unnecessary inner pressure. My best advice for such parents: Let up on the child and on yourself. Let mistakes happen. You and he will learn from each other's mistakes.

The saddest thing about older parenting may be the parents' feeling of being alone.

Too often, grandparents are not around or are too elderly to help raise the child. Aunts and uncles may have finished with parenting their preschool children and have little patience for new stresses. And the child's friends may seem to - have younger, more energetic parents.

Finding a support group or another set of "older parents" to connect with can help. Parents can share the wonder and excitement of each new step - and the fatigue when the healthy disorganization of a touchpoint in development occurs.

Above all, older parents should try to have fun! A sense of humor is a great gift to a child, and a sense of humor only gets better with age.

Dr T Berry Brazelton is a pediatrician and author
Dr Joshua Sparrow is a child psychiatrist and author. Write to Dr. Brazelton C/o New York Times Syndicate, 122 E, 42nd St., 14th Floor, New York, NY 10168.