surrogacy

Mother's Day When You are not a Mother

By M'lyn Butterfield RN, MS

I had always thought of myself as mother "someday." 1 remember my Tiny Tears Doll. I had many dolls like her- with hard plastic heads and charmingly sculpted bodies. I would diligently wash and groom my "children" with perfect certainty that one day I would be performing the same duties on my own perfect children with a husband in a clean, well-decorated home in some safe suburb somewhere.

I did other things with my childhood. I read voraciously and played hard. I loved growing up in Florida at a time when there were no street signs and the beaches were full of sea grape trees. I swam in the ocean, tangled with seaweed and felt confident that life was full of promise.

I was extremely careful with birth control. I did not want to have an unplanned pregnancy. Finding the right husband was important to me. I found him late. Too late I was to discover. I did not meet him until I was 38. You may ask yourself, why did this girl who wanted children wait so long to marry and try to fulfill her lifetime dream of "motherhood?" That is a good question that many women have asked their friends, sisters, therapists anyone who was willing to turn and listen. We never really think that it can take so long to find a partner.

If only, If only I had not gotten two degrees and gone to nursing school. If only I had not broken up with 3 perfectly good guys that I had found boring. If only I had just met my future husband and gotten pregnant that very day (I was 38 and probably still had one or two good eggs.) If only I had not left my family at 34 on the East Coast and moved to the West Coast. Surely I would have married earlier on the East Coast where people were more conventional.

The list goes on and on Self Blame they say is one of the initial stages of grieving. Not being a mommy when you are ready to be a mommy is the pits. Grieving is a word that I think barely skims the surface of mommy hunger. I can remember hating the Sunday paper and the cute Macy's advertisements labeled "Baby Sale" I would cry every time I saw those darling faces and knew there was no chance for me of actually buying one of them. I would have been ecstatic if the ad had read "Babies For Sale."

As Mothers Day approaches and I have moved out of the swamp of infertility I am prepared to reach out to the many people who are sinking. Quicksand can make you feel unstable. Craving a baby is like a sea of quicksand. You turn everywhere for a glimmer of hope. A new treatment promises you a life raft. You clutch the edge of the raft only to find the raft full of holes.

I was lucky and eventually adopted one son when I was forty-three. My luck continued when I was forty-six and I was able to give birth to a son from a donated embryo who had spent his first year on this planet frozen in a tank of liquid nitrogen. Not exactly the way I planned things when I was dragging my "Tiny Tears" Doll around by the toe. Not exactly the "cheap and fun" way to build a family. My sons have been gifts from God and it matters very little what I went through to get them. Those of you reading this who are parents know the truth. Holding your own child however he gets to your hands is the moment of truth. That first 24 hours time truly stops. You feel awe that the universe gave you a creature of your own to love and cherish.

In the midst of my struggles as I tried to find my children through many medical treatments, pills, shots, surgeries, egg harvests, you NAME IT! I DID IT!!!; I wanted to actually quit. Quit, give up, and abandon the project. Friends were begging me. My husband and doctor were all saying ENOUGH!

Somehow I did not give up. I found the courage for one more adoption letter begging strangers to give me a baby. I found the strength to try one more round of treatment. I want you to know this so you will understand and never take a child for granted and never assume a childless couple is that way because they love travel and expensive cars.

I love helping people have babies. I have done this work since 1987. Please visit my web site at familyfertilitycentencom. I would love talking to you if you are struggling to have a baby. I know good doctors that will help you find the medical answer to your problem. I have dedicated my life to helping people find their babies. I look forward to answering your questions and helping you. If you or someone you know is willing to be an egg donor or surrogate mother have them call at 925 977 4850.

M'lyn Butterfield RN, MS